I Am Resilient

When I was in rehab, one of the first things we are asked to do, is to find seven values that we lost in our addiction, so that we can in turn cultivate them while sober, and reclaim what we lost.  These values are essential so almost everything we did in rehab, and they are meant to take with us out to the real world, and to live them and to have them keep us from relapsing and going back to drinking and drugging.

Once we identify these values, we are asked to come up with value projects for each of them; a way for us to really put that value in our heart, and help it stick.  These projects are meant to be done while in rehab, so getting them done ranges from approximately 30-90 days.

It was near the end of my stay, and I was in my therapist's office.  We are talking about my value projects, and I told him that one of my values - resilience - was tough for me, and that I couldn't think of what to do for a project.  He asked me what I would think about starting a blog - THIS blog - to spread the message of hope and healing to every alcoholic addict out there - that if I could open up, and show the world the healing wounds inside of me, then maybe I could help even just one person seek out help - whether that be rehab, or the AA program, or whatever.  My therapist knew about my previous, quite popular blog I wrote for about 7 years - Blogxygen - where I documented my recovery from anorexia nervosa.  He knew that starting a new blog and writing a post every day would take a lot of resilience, because bearing my soul every day and expecting all of you guys to accept it and come along for the ride isn't the easiest feat.

But I'm doing it.  Because sometimes, living your values is the hardest thing you'll ever do in this world.  I've also learned, though, that living your values brings more joy and contentment than I ever found at the bottom of an empty bottle.

So I'll keep going.  I'll keep writing.
I am resilient.

I Didn't Get Sober to Sit On the Couch

I was talking to Brandon this morning about all of the things life has afforded me since being sober.  In the last 101 days clean, I have done more living that in the last three years combined (the years that I was heavily using).  It's been so, so awesome.

I have gone on crazy, spontaneous vacations, and we have a couple of more planned for the summer.  Addict Brie didn't like vacations because I couldn't easily use, and being around people was kind of, you know, agonizing.  I'm happier, I'm lighter.  I also mean that LITERALLY.  I gained 40 pounds while drinking, (I un-affectionately call it my Vodka Weight) but I have proudly lost 30 of those pounds - only 10 more to go.  I wish you guys could have known me back then - not because Addict Brie was ANY fun to be around, (I was actually a sad train wreck!) but because you could then see the woman I am today; a complete and utter super cool-er way awesome-er version of myself. 

I'll elaborate:  I was a mess.  Most of the roles in my life were falling apart, but the roles that mattered most to me - that of being a mother and a wife - were badly, badly suffering.  I say this with a lot of guilt and self-loathing that I will have to work through at some point... but yeah.  I was terrible at being both a mother and a wife.  I was never around.  I stayed in my room, in my bed, all day.  I would begrudgingly get out of bed if I had to, but I essentially made Brandon help the kids about 98% of the time.  I rarely showered because I didn't want to have to face the weight I was gaining.  If you could win an award for Netflix bingeing, I'd be at the top of the charts.  Guys, I was pathetic.  And I was pretty terrible at life.  And I hold a lot of shame for it.  A lot of it I can forgive myself for, but when it comes to what a crappy mother I was, I just can't.  Because now, I literally don't understand how I could ever choose alcohol over my kids.  They are silly and maddening and hilarious and wonderful and how could I ever not see that, or care enough to be around all that awesomeness?

I don't know the answer to that question, all I know is that I'm so glad I get to be with them every day and just have the opportunity to love them more than life itself.  When I first got out of rehab I think they kinda held me at arm's length, just for a bit, because they didn't trust that I was really gonna be there, present, for good.  But now, 10 months out of rehab, they see I am here, and that I'm not going anywhere.  And I got a second chance to be a mom.  Not everyone gets that.  And I'm so glad I do.

God is good.
So good.

So, like the title of this post, Sober Brie doesn't want to do much couch-sitting, or laziness.  I literally did enough of that in my lifetime, and now it's time to explore life and see what it has to offer.  I'm on an epic adventure to just really live, no matter what it entails - the good and the bad and the sorrows and the joy.  And, God willing, I will do it all clean and sober.

I can't wait for the next chapter.

{101 days clean}

Are You Ready For It?

This past weekend, Brandon and I went to Denver, CO, to see Taylor Swift in her Reputation tour.  It was so, so fantastic.  I'm a relatively level-headed, normal person, but when it comes to Taylor, I am a full-on tweenager screaming fanatic.  It is so silly, but I can't help it!  Brandon and I have been to most of her tours, and when we found out she wasn't coming to Salt Lake, we were bummed.  Brandon planned this awesome trip and surprised me on Mother's Day, and I have been seriously so excited.

Pic: Bran and I waiting for the concert to start.  Fun fact - I had Brandon cover my eye in the picture because I forgot to put eyeliner on my that eye!  What was I thinking?  We had a good laugh!

One thing I didn't anticipate on this trip was being triggered.  Obviously because I am in recovery I have not smelled or been around alcohol.  The concert essentially immersed me in all of that, and it was... weird.  Kind of a struggle, and that in and of itself stressed me out - as if I can control the triggers and how my brain reacts??  (Which I know, realistically, I can't control - I control what I do with the trigger.) 

So, there was alcohol everywhere.  Like, EVERYWHERE.  Everyone was drinking.  Wine, beer, margaritas.  And it almost seemed like everyone was bound and determined to get drunk, because Brandon and I certainly had to deal with our fair share of people around us super intoxicated.  The girl next to me got so drunk about halfway thru that she went from standing up and screaming the whole time, to sitting down and sort of looking dazed and sick.  It made me kinda sad for her that she was missing the experience of the concert because of it... 

It's interesting because the thing that triggered me most wasn't seeing the alcohol, or seeing people drunk.  It was the SMELL.  And I couldn't get away from it.  It was an adjustment, and a surprise and unwelcome struggle, but I did it.  The thing that was most cool was that as I stood there, in this huge stadium on a perfect Colorado night, I asked myself, "If you could drink right now, would you?", and my answer was a clear and resounding no.  No no NO!  And while I never know, as an alcoholic, what tomorrow will bring, I knew that that evening, just for that moment, I was clean and sober and I was happy (even though I could smell that wine).  I wanted to remember this perfect night and really be there, and alcohol would have taken that away from me.

Her concert was incredible.  We sat on the second row, and we had so much fun.  I danced and sang the lyrics so loud my voice was scratchy the next day.  I let loose and fangirled like I was 13.  And I did all of it clean, and I had so, so much fun.

Afterward, we walked the one mile back to our hotel, and we were amongst lots of drunk concert-goers.  One dude was yelling "ARE YOU READY FOR IT ARE YOU READY FOR IT ARE YOU READY FOR IT" over and over, and he was literally not wearing shoes.  Like, how do you lose track of those suckers?  Most were trying to find their Uber.  And then there was me and Bran.  We were super sober, but super happy.  We were able to connect that night and just... just just be with each other.  I realized something that night.  I realized that I do not need to be drunk to let go.  To feel excitement or joy or spontaneity.  That without alcohol, I could still act a little silly.

I think, that if I were to have gone to that concert and drank as much wine as I could, (and that would have been the case, because I'm an alcoholic and can't stop at one) then that concert would be foggy in my mind.  I probably wouldn't remember much, and who knows, I may have lost my shoes, too!  I was clean and sober, and I was so, so happy I was.  I've wondered when and if I would ever be able to say that, and I can, with a clear and resounding YES.  Feels so good.

{99 days clean}

No Diagnosis Will Ever Change Me

When I went into rehab almost a year ago, I was a hot mess.  I was coming off of alcohol and pills, and so naturally, the detox process was brutal.  I had been in the hospital the prior week detoxing, because benzos and alcohol are extremely dangerous to come off of, and I had already had a seizure, so they weren't taking any chances.

So as I left detox and arrived at the inpatient facility, I felt an excruciating headache, and almost like I had the flu, but I assumed it was from detoxing.  I kept waiting and waiting and waiting to feel better.  And somewhere in all that waiting, I began to lose feeling in my feet, and in my hands.  They often felt numb, or hot and tingly.  Sometimes my feet were so numb that I'd stare at them and feel all weird and think they weren't mine.  I don't know how to describe it, but it was unreal.

I knew what I was feeling was NOT normal, yet I had no idea what was happening.  I was still experiencing EXCRUCIATING migraines that never, not even once, subsided during the time I was inpatient.  It was so hard to go to groups and classes because my head hurt so bad I could hardly hold it up.  My whole body tremored.  Eventually, with all of this happening, I went to an insta care twice, and even to the ER.  I just didn't know how to handle or bear anymore of what was going on.

I prayed and prayed a lot to my Heavenly Father to help me understand what was happening with me so that I could, in turn, help myself - or at least get help for myself.  And then finally, an answer: the doctor who helped me in the ER suggested I go see a neurologist because of my numb hands and feet and horrible migraines.

And there, my neurologist diagnosed me with Alcoholic Neuropathy.  This diagnosis was not what I wanted, and I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life, BUT, at least I had an answer.  I now knew why my hands and feet hurt so badly, and even why my head did.  I was started on a course of medication to help with nerve damage, along with a slew of B vitamins.

Like I said, it's been nearly a year since all of this happened.  I look back on it, and I have mixed emotions: on one hand, I wish that I had felt physically better, because I wonder how much more awesome and beneficial treatment could have been could I have physically been there 100%.  Almost every waking minute I was there, I was consumed with pain and desperation.  But, it taught me a lot - that extreme physical hardship: it taught me that SERIOUSLY, I can endure anything.  I can endure horrible pain and I can still grow and thrive at the same time, because believe me, I did absolutely that while in rehab.  Pain does not mean that life has to be dark and hopeless.  I made some of the best friends I'll ever make in my life.  I learned how to open up and share my story.  I laughed and I cried and I flourished - and I did this all with extreme pain.

On the day I was leaving inpatient, my therapist shared something with me.  I don't remember even close what his exact words were, but he wanted me to know that I could still have an incredible life, even with the pain ahead.  He told me to not let that pain define me.  He reminded me that I am a bad ass woman warrior and that no diagnosis will ever change that.  And then he told me to go live my life - a good life.  Full and happy and hard and worth it.

I have listened to his words.  I have not spoken of my Alcoholic Neuropathy until now, because I don't want everyone to think of it when they think of me.  So, why bring it up now?  Mostly because part of what I believe is my story to share, is that there is the reality of all of us in addiction having to live with permanent physical problems that arose directly because of our addictions. Another reason to share is because I have all this crap to deal with, but despite all of it, I am still happy.  I am still so, so grateful to be clean and sober today.  I might deal with some pain from time to time, but it doesn't stop me from trying my best to live a good and honest life.

So, you know, Alcoholic Neuropathy can suck it, because I'm not about to let it bring me down.  My addiction did that for far too long, and I have so, so much living to do.

{96 days clean}

The Words I Learned to Say

We loving living with this mountain literally across the street!

I learned a lot of things in rehab that include but are not limited to: making a mean barbecued chicken, (thank you, C!) how to pierce your ears with just a safety pin and some gumption, having the courage and vulnerability required to share my story with 20 or so other women, laughing at myself - hell, laughing AT ALL, and sleeping through the night with bright lights a blazin' because my roommate insisted.

One of the most lasting lessons I learned from rehab, though, was speaking the 3 little words I had a hard time saying while in the darkest throes of my drug and alcohol addiction: I love you.  It was so hard to say those words.  I don't know why, because I loved my husband and my children in my addiction, but I wasn't loving them enough.  Or in the right way, maybe.  I loved them but I kept them at arm's length - or maybe an entire football field - away from me.  And, it is hard to properly love someone when you do not love yourself.

In rehab, hearing I love you was an often occurrence.  At first I was sort of aghast and horrified.  Why did everyone love each other so much!? And why did everyone have to keep saying it?? I didn't get it.  I, frankly, felt embarrassed for everyone there displaying such acts of egregious humiliation - actually loving someone? The horror!

But then, my stubborn, black lil heart began to thaw.  And as I let my guard down and started working my program, I began to click with the other women and staff there, and those 3 little words that so horrified me at the beginning of my stay began to seem mighty pretty.  So, quite simply, I began to say I love you.

South Mountain

Once I started using those 3 words, I went all the way, man, and never looked back.  My roommate leaving to go to the bathroom? No problem, I just holler I LOVE YOU HAVE A GOOD BATHROOM BREAK SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK!!!!!  Someone leaving on a day pass and will be gone for 4 hours? I LOVE YOU REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU CAME FROM DON'T USE I LOVE YOUUUUUUU!  Pass a therapist in the hallway? HI! I LOVE YOU! (Here's to you, T, the therapist that fully taught me to use these 3 words!)

And, I became more settled, I think, and happy.  And every time I used those 3 words, I got those 3 words back in return.  And it felt really good.

So, when I left rehab, I was used to those 3 little words.  Problem was, most of the world wasn't.  I remember, very shortly upon getting out of rehab, I met 3 of my sisters for lunch.  When we all met, I tried - somewhat unsuccessfully - to hug them all, haha.  And as I left, I told them all I love them, and it was weird, because it wasn't something we really did.  But I keep persisting, and now, almost a year later, I think we all say I love you just a little more often.

I have *almost* no problem giving and receiving love now.  I tell my kids I love them no less than a trillion times a day.  And maybe some people think that using that word often sometimes diminishes love or tarnishes it in some way, but I am not a believer of that.  I say that love gets stronger when you vocalize it.  So, use your voice.  Say those 3 words.  We all need a little more love in this world, and I promise - learning to use those 3 words has changed my life.

MIla drew this picture of us yesterday...erm...anyone see what's funny about it? ;)

{95 days clean}

I'm One Of the Lucky Ones

Me, today

You know, I don't know a lot of things.  I don't know why I am able to stay clean when many people with addiction don't make it - they either go to an early grave, or they live and live and LIVE with the addiction chained to them.  I don't know why, really, I have been one of the lucky ones.  I know for certain, though, that I could never do this on my own.  I give it all to God.  Every moment of sobriety has not happened because I'm especially strong or different of special, but because God has given me strength far above what I will ever have.  Those moments I drive to the liquor store and cry in the parking lot, a massive war going on inside of me, debating on whether I go in or not all while I clutch the wheel and wish I had never let myself take that first drink at all, and in those moments, God intervenes.  He speaks to me softly, and He helps me leave that parking lot.  I still marvel that I did not drink.  I give it all to God, and I feel overwhelming gratitude.

The past several months of my life have been weird, mostly because they have been beautiful beyond measure, but also horribly difficult.  We have moved into a beautiful new home in the city we have been dying to move to.  My kids are beautiful and bright, and most importantly, happy.  Brandon is doing well in his job and feels motivated and invested.  And then there's me.  Sort of meandering around, wondering where I belong and where I can fit so that I can bloom and grow.  I'm sort of at a point in my life where I have lots of free time to fill.  I don't have any young babies anymore, so suddenly I have... time.  Time!  I've been a mother for nearly 12 years, and time is something I have never had.  Anddddd...I don't know what to do with it.  I clean my house, but the by time I get it all clean, I find that I STILL simply have empty hours ahead.  There is seriously only so many times you can vacuum your kitchen floor in a day...

Mila won the star student award at school and Row is particularly excited about it!

But, in all of this free time that sometimes feels agonizing, there are two things I am grateful for:  first, that I am staying clean, no matter the difficulties I face.  In AA many of us talk about not knowing what to DO with all the hours of the day, because most of drank our way through them.  I am also hopeful about this idea of free time because it means that I get to spend time re-exploring my greatest passion: writing.  I'm going to revive this 'ol blog and see what happens.  I don't know what will.  I just know that when I am writing my heart rate slows, my hands stop shaking, and I don't think about drinking or the difficulties in life.  There is a quiet stillness that my heart yearns for.  I may not be a famous writer or even be particularly a good one, but it makes my heart sing, and that's good enough.

So, I'm sober and I"m struggling but I'm also writing and living.  I'll take it.

My climbing kiddos

{94 days clean}