Having 114 (by the time I go to bed tonight; God willing) days clean and sober under my belt has been incredible. I would actually say that the last two months that I’ve been out of rehab have been maybe the most challenging, like, EVER, and that’s saying a whole lot if you were to watch The Train Wreck of Brie’s Life on film. (It’d be a Blockbuster!) In the last 8 weeks, I have been given and am trying to figure out how to manage a new diagnosis, I lost my horse and all 4 of my cats due to a life-threatening, completely serious and dangerous asthmatic allergy I got while in rehab... (not the niftiest going away gift I’ve ever gotten...) and I have been devastated. I’m normally a total keeper-inner (stuffing feelings is fun!) but with my animals, I CAN’T SUPPRESS, AND IT’S THE WORST. At the drop of a hat, day or night, alone or with some I assume really nice people at the grocery store, I will hardcore start dropping some tears and some sobs. I literally can’t stop. And every night I have nightmares about them not being okay. And, I know they are being well-cared for. But my dreaming brain has always been a little dramatic, and definitely hasn’t gotten the memo that they’re okay. We also moved to a completely new city - the kids are in new schools, we’re in a new house and neighborhood. We love it, and it was a good change, but it is still stressful.
But, I’m sober. I am as dry as a bone, baby.
And I’m grateful to my Higher Power (who I believe is my Heavenly Father).
I’m only sober because of Him and his miracles, and I’ll tell you why.
So, I’m not finished working the steps yet, (on 6) but I have studied them all, know off the top of my head which is which, etc. Most of them are pretty terrific and liberating to take and make your own, though 4, 5, and 9 are about as appealing as hair on soap, so there’s that. The step though that I’m the most fascinated with (currently) is Step 3. It is just my favorite. It is a step that we alcoholics and addicts MUST live every day - every second and minute of it, because it is the step that will keep us sober. Step 3 isn’t easy, though. It’s easy to say you’re going to do it, but ACTUALLY doing it is a whole other thing, and putting it into action is scarier than going down a rollercoaster with no seatbelt on - you just hold on for dear life, and hope you come through. Step 3 is:
“Made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understood him”
Give God my will? Sure, most people think, easy.
But, no. Just, NO.
IT IS NOT EASY.
Because we humans are kinda selfish and slow little buggers, and giving God our will? Putting our entire lives in His hands? Giving Him OUR entire lives? Super NOT easy peasy.
So, I believe that God kinda has everything, right? (Except maybe the IPhone X, but I BET if He wanted it, He could have it!). When we pray, there is nothing we could ever give Him that He doesn’t have, or that He needs. So when we are constantly on our knees, whining about all of our selfish and petty little issues that are trying to make us drink again...or what, maybe that’s just me... and when we constantly ask Him for help, or guidance, or a miracle, or hope, or faith, or for an IPhone X.... He gives us of these things freely, and with Perfect Love. Because, as stated above, there isn’t anything we could ever give Him in return for all He gives us.
Except...
There’s kinda one thing: we can give Him our will. That is the ONLY thing we have that He wants and NEEDS. We can make a decision to be a vessel for Him. We can decide to spread love and light wherever we go. We can say in our prayers every morning, Heavenly Father, I give you my will. Help me do good and right today so I may bless the lives of others.”
Giving your Higher Power your will isn’t just about words. It’s about action, too, which is SO MUCH OH MY GOSH HARDER. Every day, to give my Heavenly Father my will, I read in my scriptures. I pray to him, about the petty and the scary and the devastating and the hope and the love. I have cleaned up my language. I try to smile at people, and not be so grouchy all the time. I try to keep my heart attuned to any whisperings His Spirit might give me to help others or myself.
I have been reading my scriptures daily and saying my prayers and all that jazz every day since I went into rehab. Some days I groaned (like LITERALLY groaned out loud like a petulant little child) when I had to open my scriptures or, like, be a nice person or stay sober. But, in praying to have the strength and the grace to give my will to God, these things become a little easier, day by day. Not swearing like an inmate (as my therapist in rehab so eloquently put it) makes me feel BETTER. I try to help others. I try to smile. To be kind. Because, those are all things in this life that I would love to have in return.
In giving God your will, and in DOING the actions required to have your will in God’s hands, something remarkable happens: (well, a buncha cool things happen, but I’m only going to focus on one) you become FORTIFIED. You have strength that you have never had before. Because doing your dailies, worshipping or giving time to your Higher Power every day; praying, meditating... all of these things are GOOD AND RIGHT and all of these things make you stronger.
I had a superhuman moment 3 days ago. And by superhuman, I mean, that I was able to display and HAVE strength that I KNOW was not my own. It was Heavenly Father, blessing me with strength and safety, as I become an instrument of His will and give Him my own.
On Wednesday, I was in a crappy mood. I had been in Provo (butt-far away!) all morning at my orthopedic surgeon WITH my 4 year old. I was about as thrilled as my kids are when I put kale in ANYTHING. The drive home was long, and Rowan was mad at me and making demands. Construction on the freeway, a fight with my husband on the phone. As I got off the freeway at our exit to get home, I was SO angry in that moment. I was SO anxious. I was SO devastated. I was way too many bad “SO’s” and my brain was FREAKING OUT. I drove straight through the intersection, where, if I had turned left, would have landed me at the liquor store in about a block. As I drove through the intersection, this is a very close assimilation of what was happening in my brain:
THAT WAS THE LIQUOR STORE TURN-OFF YOU LOSER TURN AROUND NOW—but, um, I am, like, trying not to drink?—WELL YOU’RE NOT TRYING ANYMORE, SUCKA, TURN AROUND—but, um, okay. I’m turning. I’m-are we sure about this—WE ARE SO SURE LIFE IS THE WORST AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC AGAIN. YOU’RE JUST GOING TO DRINK ONE GLASS OF MALBEC. THIS GLASS WILL BE THE APPROXIMATE SIZE OF AN URN, BUT YOU’LL JUST DRINK ONE. AND IF YOU HAPPEN TO KEEP DRINKING, YOU WON’T BE AN ALCOHOLIC ANYMORE. YOU CAN CONTROL YOURSELF—Okay, we’re here, but I’m thinking we should leave—SHUTUP, YA BUCKET OF JUNK. GO GET THE DAMN WINE—
And literally, as all of this is happening in my mind, I was sitting in the parking lot of the liquor store where I had been dozens, hundreds of times. Remembering pretending not to be drunk as I paid for more liquor. Hoping the cashier didn’t remember the 4 bottles I’d bought the day before yesterday, and the 4 more in my basket. I remembered not making eye contact, and being furtive in the store. I remember the high of knowing I was about to be able to drink again. I remember the shame, and the fear, and the self-loathing. And I’m sitting in my running car, gripping the steering wheel. Crying now, whether it be because I want a drink so damn bad, or because I’m so close to losing my sobriety, I’m not even sure. The Angry Drunk Self-Destructive Brie is screaming for an urn of Malbec, and the quiet, small, Sober Brie is getting hard to hear.
I don’t know what to do.
I am scared.
I don’t even know what I want, in that moment.
And then, out of nowhere, I had this feeling come over me: it was complete peace, which, trust me, was NOT a feeling I was remotely even feeling just a second ago. The peaceful feeling told me to back out of my parking spot and to go home. I suddenly had some very loud and very clear and very calm words in my head, that had made Angry Drunk Self-Destructive Brie disappear with a poof (at least, in that moment). And that voice told me that I didn’t want to drink. That I, in fact, felt REVULSION at being in this parking lot, and in almost losing 111 days sober, and having to start over at 1. The thought of Malbec, in an urn or otherwise, didn’t sound good anymore. I wanted to haul ass out of that parking lot. I wanted to get as far away from alcohol as I could manage.
Why, suddenly, did the thought of alcohol not only sound NOT appealing anymore, but actually sickening? Why, 2 minutes ago, was Angry Drunk Self-Destructive Brie’s inner diatribe so loud and convincing, when suddenly her argument and even her presence became moot?
HOW THE HELL HAD I JUST STAYED SOBER? Really and truly? How could a raging alcoholic with just 111 days under her belt feel revulsion at not just her drink of choice, but also have the power and the drive and the ABILITY to leave the liquor store WITHOUT ALCOHOL??
I’ll tell you how: she couldn’t have done it. Me, Brie, Sober Brie, alone, could not have gotten out of that parking lot sans alcohol on her own. No way no how. My Heavenly Father got me out of that parking lot sans alcohol. Because that morning, I had given Him my will. And because He had it, He was able to get me out of that parking lot, because His will for me wasn’t, nor will it ever be, to return to alcoholism, or even just have that one last glass of Malbec.
And, that was a miracle. Such a beautiful, tender, miracle.
So, when you are working Step 3 (addict or alcoholic or not, EVERY HUMAN should give their will to God!) and you are reticent on giving your Higher Power your will, understand that it isn’t going to be lame or boring, living a life attuned-to and with God. Understand that it is going to save your life. That it is going to make you a better and stronger version of yourself than you ever imagined. That it isn’t going to make your life boring, but without bounds. Limitless. New. Astonishing. Miraculous.
I am a grateful recovering alcoholic with 114 hard-worked for days under my belt. And I have all of those days because of my Higher Power. For making me strong when I was at my weakest. For protecting me from my ugly, evil, and vile addiction.
That is everything.
And I am so, so grateful.
“The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God cannot protect you.”
—Bernadette Devlin
