The Words I Learned to Say

We loving living with this mountain literally across the street!

I learned a lot of things in rehab that include but are not limited to: making a mean barbecued chicken, (thank you, C!) how to pierce your ears with just a safety pin and some gumption, having the courage and vulnerability required to share my story with 20 or so other women, laughing at myself - hell, laughing AT ALL, and sleeping through the night with bright lights a blazin' because my roommate insisted.

One of the most lasting lessons I learned from rehab, though, was speaking the 3 little words I had a hard time saying while in the darkest throes of my drug and alcohol addiction: I love you.  It was so hard to say those words.  I don't know why, because I loved my husband and my children in my addiction, but I wasn't loving them enough.  Or in the right way, maybe.  I loved them but I kept them at arm's length - or maybe an entire football field - away from me.  And, it is hard to properly love someone when you do not love yourself.

In rehab, hearing I love you was an often occurrence.  At first I was sort of aghast and horrified.  Why did everyone love each other so much!? And why did everyone have to keep saying it?? I didn't get it.  I, frankly, felt embarrassed for everyone there displaying such acts of egregious humiliation - actually loving someone? The horror!

But then, my stubborn, black lil heart began to thaw.  And as I let my guard down and started working my program, I began to click with the other women and staff there, and those 3 little words that so horrified me at the beginning of my stay began to seem mighty pretty.  So, quite simply, I began to say I love you.

South Mountain

Once I started using those 3 words, I went all the way, man, and never looked back.  My roommate leaving to go to the bathroom? No problem, I just holler I LOVE YOU HAVE A GOOD BATHROOM BREAK SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK!!!!!  Someone leaving on a day pass and will be gone for 4 hours? I LOVE YOU REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU CAME FROM DON'T USE I LOVE YOUUUUUUU!  Pass a therapist in the hallway? HI! I LOVE YOU! (Here's to you, T, the therapist that fully taught me to use these 3 words!)

And, I became more settled, I think, and happy.  And every time I used those 3 words, I got those 3 words back in return.  And it felt really good.

So, when I left rehab, I was used to those 3 little words.  Problem was, most of the world wasn't.  I remember, very shortly upon getting out of rehab, I met 3 of my sisters for lunch.  When we all met, I tried - somewhat unsuccessfully - to hug them all, haha.  And as I left, I told them all I love them, and it was weird, because it wasn't something we really did.  But I keep persisting, and now, almost a year later, I think we all say I love you just a little more often.

I have *almost* no problem giving and receiving love now.  I tell my kids I love them no less than a trillion times a day.  And maybe some people think that using that word often sometimes diminishes love or tarnishes it in some way, but I am not a believer of that.  I say that love gets stronger when you vocalize it.  So, use your voice.  Say those 3 words.  We all need a little more love in this world, and I promise - learning to use those 3 words has changed my life.

MIla drew this picture of us yesterday...erm...anyone see what's funny about it? ;)

{95 days clean}