I have gone on crazy, spontaneous vacations, and we have a couple of more planned for the summer. Addict Brie didn't like vacations because I couldn't easily use, and being around people was kind of, you know, agonizing. I'm happier, I'm lighter. I also mean that LITERALLY. I gained 40 pounds while drinking, (I un-affectionately call it my Vodka Weight) but I have proudly lost 30 of those pounds - only 10 more to go. I wish you guys could have known me back then - not because Addict Brie was ANY fun to be around, (I was actually a sad train wreck!) but because you could then see the woman I am today; a complete and utter super cool-er way awesome-er version of myself.
I'll elaborate: I was a mess. Most of the roles in my life were falling apart, but the roles that mattered most to me - that of being a mother and a wife - were badly, badly suffering. I say this with a lot of guilt and self-loathing that I will have to work through at some point... but yeah. I was terrible at being both a mother and a wife. I was never around. I stayed in my room, in my bed, all day. I would begrudgingly get out of bed if I had to, but I essentially made Brandon help the kids about 98% of the time. I rarely showered because I didn't want to have to face the weight I was gaining. If you could win an award for Netflix bingeing, I'd be at the top of the charts. Guys, I was pathetic. And I was pretty terrible at life. And I hold a lot of shame for it. A lot of it I can forgive myself for, but when it comes to what a crappy mother I was, I just can't. Because now, I literally don't understand how I could ever choose alcohol over my kids. They are silly and maddening and hilarious and wonderful and how could I ever not see that, or care enough to be around all that awesomeness?
I don't know the answer to that question, all I know is that I'm so glad I get to be with them every day and just have the opportunity to love them more than life itself. When I first got out of rehab I think they kinda held me at arm's length, just for a bit, because they didn't trust that I was really gonna be there, present, for good. But now, 10 months out of rehab, they see I am here, and that I'm not going anywhere. And I got a second chance to be a mom. Not everyone gets that. And I'm so glad I do.
God is good.
So good.
So, like the title of this post, Sober Brie doesn't want to do much couch-sitting, or laziness. I literally did enough of that in my lifetime, and now it's time to explore life and see what it has to offer. I'm on an epic adventure to just really live, no matter what it entails - the good and the bad and the sorrows and the joy. And, God willing, I will do it all clean and sober.
I can't wait for the next chapter.
{101 days clean}
