I'm One Of the Lucky Ones

Me, today

You know, I don't know a lot of things.  I don't know why I am able to stay clean when many people with addiction don't make it - they either go to an early grave, or they live and live and LIVE with the addiction chained to them.  I don't know why, really, I have been one of the lucky ones.  I know for certain, though, that I could never do this on my own.  I give it all to God.  Every moment of sobriety has not happened because I'm especially strong or different of special, but because God has given me strength far above what I will ever have.  Those moments I drive to the liquor store and cry in the parking lot, a massive war going on inside of me, debating on whether I go in or not all while I clutch the wheel and wish I had never let myself take that first drink at all, and in those moments, God intervenes.  He speaks to me softly, and He helps me leave that parking lot.  I still marvel that I did not drink.  I give it all to God, and I feel overwhelming gratitude.

The past several months of my life have been weird, mostly because they have been beautiful beyond measure, but also horribly difficult.  We have moved into a beautiful new home in the city we have been dying to move to.  My kids are beautiful and bright, and most importantly, happy.  Brandon is doing well in his job and feels motivated and invested.  And then there's me.  Sort of meandering around, wondering where I belong and where I can fit so that I can bloom and grow.  I'm sort of at a point in my life where I have lots of free time to fill.  I don't have any young babies anymore, so suddenly I have... time.  Time!  I've been a mother for nearly 12 years, and time is something I have never had.  Anddddd...I don't know what to do with it.  I clean my house, but the by time I get it all clean, I find that I STILL simply have empty hours ahead.  There is seriously only so many times you can vacuum your kitchen floor in a day...

Mila won the star student award at school and Row is particularly excited about it!

But, in all of this free time that sometimes feels agonizing, there are two things I am grateful for:  first, that I am staying clean, no matter the difficulties I face.  In AA many of us talk about not knowing what to DO with all the hours of the day, because most of drank our way through them.  I am also hopeful about this idea of free time because it means that I get to spend time re-exploring my greatest passion: writing.  I'm going to revive this 'ol blog and see what happens.  I don't know what will.  I just know that when I am writing my heart rate slows, my hands stop shaking, and I don't think about drinking or the difficulties in life.  There is a quiet stillness that my heart yearns for.  I may not be a famous writer or even be particularly a good one, but it makes my heart sing, and that's good enough.

So, I'm sober and I"m struggling but I'm also writing and living.  I'll take it.

My climbing kiddos

{94 days clean}