Pic: Bran and I waiting for the concert to start. Fun fact - I had Brandon cover my eye in the picture because I forgot to put eyeliner on my that eye! What was I thinking? We had a good laugh!
One thing I didn't anticipate on this trip was being triggered. Obviously because I am in recovery I have not smelled or been around alcohol. The concert essentially immersed me in all of that, and it was... weird. Kind of a struggle, and that in and of itself stressed me out - as if I can control the triggers and how my brain reacts?? (Which I know, realistically, I can't control - I control what I do with the trigger.)
So, there was alcohol everywhere. Like, EVERYWHERE. Everyone was drinking. Wine, beer, margaritas. And it almost seemed like everyone was bound and determined to get drunk, because Brandon and I certainly had to deal with our fair share of people around us super intoxicated. The girl next to me got so drunk about halfway thru that she went from standing up and screaming the whole time, to sitting down and sort of looking dazed and sick. It made me kinda sad for her that she was missing the experience of the concert because of it...
It's interesting because the thing that triggered me most wasn't seeing the alcohol, or seeing people drunk. It was the SMELL. And I couldn't get away from it. It was an adjustment, and a surprise and unwelcome struggle, but I did it. The thing that was most cool was that as I stood there, in this huge stadium on a perfect Colorado night, I asked myself, "If you could drink right now, would you?", and my answer was a clear and resounding no. No no NO! And while I never know, as an alcoholic, what tomorrow will bring, I knew that that evening, just for that moment, I was clean and sober and I was happy (even though I could smell that wine). I wanted to remember this perfect night and really be there, and alcohol would have taken that away from me.
Her concert was incredible. We sat on the second row, and we had so much fun. I danced and sang the lyrics so loud my voice was scratchy the next day. I let loose and fangirled like I was 13. And I did all of it clean, and I had so, so much fun.
Afterward, we walked the one mile back to our hotel, and we were amongst lots of drunk concert-goers. One dude was yelling "ARE YOU READY FOR IT ARE YOU READY FOR IT ARE YOU READY FOR IT" over and over, and he was literally not wearing shoes. Like, how do you lose track of those suckers? Most were trying to find their Uber. And then there was me and Bran. We were super sober, but super happy. We were able to connect that night and just... just just be with each other. I realized something that night. I realized that I do not need to be drunk to let go. To feel excitement or joy or spontaneity. That without alcohol, I could still act a little silly.
I think, that if I were to have gone to that concert and drank as much wine as I could, (and that would have been the case, because I'm an alcoholic and can't stop at one) then that concert would be foggy in my mind. I probably wouldn't remember much, and who knows, I may have lost my shoes, too! I was clean and sober, and I was so, so happy I was. I've wondered when and if I would ever be able to say that, and I can, with a clear and resounding YES. Feels so good.
{99 days clean}
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