We live in a culture of “transparency” - we plaster our lives on social media; perfect snippets of a life that isn’t perfect at all. In all of this “transparency” we are also perpetuating a lie - that life can be perfect - because look at mine! It’s of course natural to want to put our best face forward - but when that is all that the world sees, we all have a very big problem. We are only transparent with perceived perfection or prestige, and so really, all of this transparency is muddy and unclear and really not transparent at all, and we are almost always not really seeing the truth of things - whether that truth be beautiful or ugly.
All of this is a huge reason I eventually decided to author Sober and So Brie after my therapist asked me to - I certainly don’t revel or even find it easy to be open and vulnerable, and if you knew me in real life you’d probably be shocked I was the author of SASB, because I am quite closed-off in real life - I am friendly, but I am not open — however, for whatever reason, I am quite good at not being okay, and I’m REALLY good at being impulsive and coming up with scary solutions, so why not document it all here? Because I WANT TRUTH WHETHER IT BE BEAUTIFUL OR UGLY, for myself, and from others. To show the world, to show you, to remind myself on hard days - that there is hope and that there is no shame in addiction. You’ll almost always find Totally-Fake-But-Still-Totally-Annoying Perfection on social platforms online, and then you amble on over here, and you find...this...me...a total train-wreck. And if anything, maybe you’ll leave this website not understanding me, and you could hardcore be judging me, but at least knowing that there is someone else out in the world who is honest about how hard the world is, and who doesn’t always ge
t it right the first or the forty-first time, but still trying. And maybe it is only a consolation prize - and a cheesy one at that - but to still be trying, after all this time, is a good and a right thing.
Because, I’m not okay all of the time - and I need that not okay-ness to be totally okay. I need to feel secure in the knowledge that I might feel like I got hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, but that I don’t need to drive to the liquor store straightaway. I need to believe that I can handle the emotions and the despair of it all (LIVING) stone-cold sober, even if I don’t want to. I need to know that even if I don’t feel okay, I AM okay.
Social media drives me batty. I follow more meme accounts on instagram than actual humans, because I’m much more interested in laughing than I am in getting perfect-only peeks into other’s lives. Life is so messy and so chaotic - I am so messy and so chaotic - and perfection doesn’t interest me. I spent too long striving for it, and that longing and that need almost killed me.
For the 90 days I’ve been clean, I’ve been wildily excited and thrilled and also wildly despairing - I have had moments of clarity and beauty and also more than a few moments I white-knuckled through to keep from grabbing my keys and breaking speeding laws to get to the liquor store. And in all of that - even all of the ugly and the difficult and the embarrassing and shameful, I am certain of maybe one thing, and one thing alone: that I am sober. And that I am so fudging glad I am. I am not certain at all that my problems are lighter or simpler, and I am certainly not guaranteed my sobriety past the current moment, but I am so sober, and even in my pain, I am so glad that I am. Because while there was certainly a time when I could have (and probably should have) died in my addiction, I know that today I will not.
So I’ll continue to be transparently imperfect. To acknowledge and even be frank at how much I've messed up: I have hurt many people, most of whom I love dearly. I have lost relationships because of this. I have lost my horse. My dignity, my integrity. My health. Some of this can be reclaimed, and some of it can’t, but I’ll always be transparent as I document the journey on SASB. I’m a hot mess, I’m a spaz, I wash my hair like once a week and do it about once a month, but I’m trying, and I’m still sober. I think, at least, that I have the important things covered. I’m not okay a lot of the time, and it hurts so, so much.
But it’s okay.
I’m okay.
We’re all okay.
I’m going to be writing a few blog posts to introduce myself, as I realized many readers may not know me past a few surface things, here or there. If you have any questions or things in particular you’d like to know, leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and I’ll do my best to work it into my post.
I think that a tremendous part of my addiction (eating disorder and alcoholism) stemmed from the fact that nothing is fair. I lost my daughter, Kendall, to a stillbirth, and it wasn’t fair, and I was SO MAD, and I knew that nothing could ever bring her back, no matter how much I tried to fix myself or punish myself, so why not drink myself to death? I was entitled to this, because of my righteous indignation: LIFE SUCKS BALLS AND IT ISN’T FAIR.
But the problem is, life doesn’t ever stop being not fair. Not even three years ago, I had a miscarriage, and just like that, my baby girl, McCartney, was gone. My arms and my heart were empty. I raged and I raged at God and myself and the universe. When were things going to even out? (Yeah, kind of like never.)
Life will be FULL of disappointments, sorrows, fear, and grief. What happened to me, though, was that amidst all of my own disappointments, sorrows, fear, and grief, I became so consumed by it all, that I forgot to see that my life also contained joy, and humor, and love, and hope. I was so desperately searching for a respite from the storm raging around me at the bottom of a bottle or at a lower number on the scale, that I didn’t see that the respite I was so desperately searching for was all around me, in little ways and in little moments: when my son did a school project on me, because I am his hero. When I see that my daughter’s sparkly, down-turned, and lovely eyes are my own. When I hear I love you more times in a single day than I deserve.
And so my life wasn’t fair, and so I continued to starve myself. To drink. To swallow pills to fall asleep and numb the fact that I was even ALIVE. When life got fair, I would stop. I would.
But really, I wouln’t have. And I couldn’t have. My addiction had its sharp and terrible claws deeply rooted in me.
When I went to rehab, all of the terrible things in my life that had happened to me didn’t go away, or morph into something prettier. I still have my sorrows and my anger, and life, as always, wasn’t fair. The only thing that had changed in my life was that I was clean and sober - but just that - just keeping my body clean from the substances that poisoned my mind and my body...I got clarity. I could see the hope and the beauty all around me, even amidst the ugly thorns in my life. I stopped expecting life to be fair, and instead adjusted my point of view to pray for acceptance, surrender, and hope, to forgive myself for the past and to let go of it, and to endure whatever lay ahead of me.
And let me tell you: since I have been out of rehab for the last six or so weeks, I have absolutely had to endure. Maybe more than I ever thought I could: I lost my horse - my mare who taught me that I could be brave and strong and powerful and bad-ass. I have lost (and will continue to do so) much of my physical capabilities by being diagnosed with Alcoholic Neuropathy. I am in so much pain every day, and I feel so bereft, being only a shadow of who I used to be. Very soon I will be losing all four of my cats. Because the acute asthma I suffer from has catapulted to insane levels, and is becoming resistant to treatment. My cats are killing me. Literally. And knowing I will lose them makes me so frantic and desperate that I cannot dwell on it long. And, we are losing our home - we are moving. It is so difficult to stay sober in the home that I spent most of the last few years in drunk, high, pathetic, miserable, and self-seeking.
So much loss. So much taken away from me. And I am bewildered and frightened and mourning.
In the past, this would have been excellent ammo to justify my addiction, and I would have wallowed in the loss and grief and not-okayness of it all. But I can’t do tha
t anymore. Not if I want to live. So, I have stopped expecting life to be fair. I instead only try as hard as I can to be brave and strong while I endure all of the unfair storms in my life. I no longer want to be defined in this world by everything that I have lost, but by everything that I fight for. And I am in the fight for my life. And it is messy and beautiful and WORTH IT. (You are, too.)
“Oh, my friend. It is not what they take away from you that counts, it’s what you do with what you have left.”
—Hubert H. Humphrey
I have so much left. I have three beautiful children, and I have a husband who loves me and tries just as hard as I do to make himself better and to be a good and right force in this world. I have an amazing family Who doggedly love me, even through the decades of anguish and worry and frustration I put them through. I have new beginnings and second chances. I still have my blind pup who is my permanent sidekick and offers his love an protection through his stalwart little affinity for me. I have my Higher Power - my God in Heaven - who loves me and believes in me, even though He kind of created a hot mess.
And it’s funny. Amidst the howling wind and the angry storm that the adversary throws at me, despite the endless tears and sometimes the dark, heavy blanket of depression, I still love this damn life. Sometimes I’m kind of amazed that this Jaded Ice Queen does - but it’s true. I just do. I just love this life. Because amidst the storm and the wind and the darkness, I live in the most beautiful garden - a garden that blooms and flourishes because of the love and prayers and forgiveness given me. It is a paradise. A beautiful, dazzling, paradise.
Life isn’t fair. And it isn’t for the faint of heart. But it is beautiful and the grace we get in this world to be better and do better is this most precious gift. And while this life isn’t always fair, we must remember that the grace, the forgiveness, the second chances, and the uncomplicated and Perfect Love WE get time and again in this life aren’t fair either - we rally don’t deserve it. But we get them anyway.
Do not forget to see the beauty and grace amidst the unfair and the ugly. It is quieter, and it is harder to find, but if you look, you will see it everywhere.
“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly despairing, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”
Been a weird week; I've kind of had my crazy pants on. I am still proudly clean and sober, but I feel directionless and very, very afraid most of the time. I am clinging to the Big Book, or prayer, and my dailies, because I know that no matter how crazy my pants are, I can have the willpower and presence of mind to stay sober, even when the bottle calls.
It's so weird to me that people can drink. Like, normally. I see someone order a glass of wine with dinner, and I am fascinated that they can drink only one. Or even two. I still get a hitch in my breath and my heart accelerates when I'm near the liquor store I used to frequent, or if I see an ad for liquor, or, okay, if someone even says "wine". They can even be saying "Ugh, stop your whining," and I'll be all "WINING DID SOMEONE SAY WINING HI HI I LIKE WINE" and half (or more) of me is like YOU TOTALLY WANT THE WINE YOU CAN TOTALLY DRINK NORMALLY OR HELL EVEN JUST DRINK ONE AND THEN STOP AGAIN NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR SOBRIETY DATE--
--and then there's the Sober Brie who's like, feet shuffling, Um, Brain? Hi. Can I um, say something? Really fast? And like, really quietly because I know you have a migraine and I don't want to bug you. But, um, maybe you shouldn't screech into the liquor store parking lot right now or wine. But, you can totally whine, don't get me wrong -- But, like maybe this decision isn't based rationally, and you can hate everyone in the world who can normally drink liquor - I think that's fair. It's like, pry five or six billion people and I really don't think that's hating too much. So, ahem. Yeah. I mean, like, yay! We're sober! And okay, I know we're not happy. And even though we don't feel okay, we ARE okay. So, like, wine is good but wine will kill you so maybe we should, like, NOT. Okay, wow. Thanks for letting me talk! You may now resume yourwhining.
So far, my cute little Sober Brain that's all shy and new is the voice I am choosing to listen to - at least, in the end, because I'm here, 76 days later, as dry as whatever that saying is that means I'm totally sober. Usually I yell at and curse my sober brain, but the wealth and depth of creativity my mind has when it comes to profanity is both cool and kind of sad AND SHOULD BE KEPT SECRET.
I know that one glass of wine won't kill me. But with me, one can never be just one. And I do not want to have another seizure, or more permanent medical complications from alcoholism. I do not want the depth and despair that comes from being so out of control I don't know how I can bear to brave another minute alive (or at least conscious). I never want to feel how SHITTY it is to hear your children downstairs, growing up without you, while you languish upstairs in your drinking and self-pity. So, is my current day-to-day kind of excruciating at times? Yes. But will I take this shitty over the shitty I endured in my addiction? Oh, hell yes. A RESOUNDING YES.
I can't ever have another glass of wine. I can't ever go into a liquor store again, because while you peruse the tequila section, trying to find the brand that won't break the bank but will also impress your friends and also not have you make bad choices that weekend, (free fact fer ya: tequila will ALWAYS end in vomit and regret) in all of those glass bottles - the clear ones, and blue ones, and green ones: in them I found liquid courage. I found liquid appeasement. I found liquid apathy, and liquid living-but-not-really-living. Liquid Thank-God-I-Don't-Remember-Anything-Right-Now and Liquid I-Can't-Remember-Anything-That-Just-Happened-and-I'm-Terrified. Liquid I-Hate-Myself, Liquid Regret. Liquid Prison, a kind of death. I gulped and slugged my way through bottle after bottle, peering into the bottom to see if I had finally found what I was looking for: hope. Peace. Respite.
I didn't find any of those things.
I found: horror. Pain. Rejection.
Life is such a wrestle - it is a FIGHT to have a life of meaning and peace and even some joy - and it is WORTH THE WRESTLE. (Even if you're the worst at arm wrestles.). Keep fighting. Keep your head up. Just stand, before the count of 10. The round isn't over yet, and neither are you. And neither am I.
So yeah, I've been wearing some super crazy pants. I've been chaotic and distracted and sort of all over the place, which really isn't crazy pants for me so much as normal pants - but, even I have perhaps carried all of that to a new level. But it's okay. I'm okay. (Mostly because I'm still sober and I have a really patient support system.)
Because there's always a new tomorrow, there's always a new wrestle worth wrestling at the beginning of each day. Life can totally be shitty, I know - but please remember that in your addiction, the shit was SO REAL and SO, SO RANK, guys. Don't go back there.
I will not search for hope, peace, or respite at the bottom of an empty bottle again. I will fall to my knees in prayer, I will TRY to meditate, (that awesomeness be hella hard) I will call my sponsor, or a sober friend, or my mom, or hell I'll have a giant love-fest with all four of my cats and my blind dog and I'll STAY FREAKING SOBER doing all of this, even though there is nothing even REMOTELY super sad about a 33 year old woman who has sleepovers with her old and blind and diseased animals that involve pillow fights and a great game of Truth or Dare. (The blind dog never chooses dare.)
I know that life will quiet down. The normal pants will be washed (but not folded, because let's get real, I don't have that kind of energy) and returned to my closet, and one of these mornings, I'll put them on. Maybe one day, I will pass the liquor store without putting myself into a hypertensive state. Maybe, just a little bit more often, I'll find the hope, peace, and respite that I am yearning for.
All of this is worth the fight. Crazy pants, normal pants, or no pants. We got this.
But it's okay. I'm an awkward person; just look at me! 5'11" and my legs alone are 37". Finding a store that actually sells jeans long enough for me is about as easy as me strolling into the Louvre, perusing the paintings, pointing to the "Mona Lisa," and saying, I'll take that one. How much do I owe you?
I stumble over my words and when I'm the center of attention I get crazily self-conscious and try to shorten my sentences so I can stop talking more quickly, but in the process make my sentences even longer because I'm stumbling EVEN MORE over my words and then I need to apologize for the word stumblage, and then have to re-phrase (and likely apologize again) and stumble over my apology, which makes, oh I don't know, a simple few sentences that should have taken maybe 14 seconds to say be more like 14 minutes. Agonizingly long. Kind of like this paragraph.
Butit'sfineI'mfinewe'reallfine. ;)
If I have to leap into recovery looking....well, looking like I do in this picture...then I'll do it. I'd prefer to do it with a bit more grace, but grace hasn't ever been my strongest quality. Or like, anything I remotely possess (ask my 3rd grade ballet teacher...). All around me, I see my beautiful brothers and sisters in recovery killin' their sobriety with grace. They're agile, and nimble, and if they were to be substituted in the picture of me posted here, they'd pry look...I don't know. I was trying to come up with some really poignant adjective, but honestly... they'd pry just look normal. And not, you know, like a gawky giraffe who got peer pressured into skydiving and has just leapt out of the plane. So for all you beshes who are bummed that you're "just" normal, it could be worse. Gawky Skydiving Giraffe worse.
You know what though? I'd rather be taking the most uncoordinated, unrefined leap into recovery than to not take that leap at all. Because after the leap comes the calm. After the leap, you begin to gain self-respect, gratitude, and humility. After taking the hardest leap of your life, you realize how freaking brave and just cool you are. All human beings are pretty cool, (except like Hitler 'n stuff) but I'll tell you what - I know that us addicts are some of the strongest, bravest, bad-ass-est, (I just made that a word) resilient, and loving people out there. Whether you're addicted to a substance you use a needle for, or whether you're addicted to cutting, or shame, or looking in the mirror and hating what you see...please know - KNOW - that there is a way out of this garbage. There is a different, beautiful path available for you. It isn't easy, and it does require that (normal or gawky giraffe-ish) leap of faith, but that leap is worth it. You may not be ready to take that leap yet, and that's okay. But please remember that you are worth that leap, and that I need you, your family needs you, THE WORLD NEEDS YOU - and that in your recovery - full of vulnerability and imperfection and scars - we will all see the fudging awesome warrior beneath that. We recovering alcoholics and addicts are the strongest warriors out there - we are an army - a cussing, smoking, tattooed, pierced, wise-cracking, joke-cracking army -- and we will fight for you. And for each other. And for ourselves. And to those that try to stop us, hurt us, or do so to another in recovery, they better be ready for some hell and like a beat down. (Or, with me, since I really can't throw too hard a punch, I will BRING YOU DOWN with some vicious rhetoric. ;) With words, I will always win.) You DEF want a recovering alcoholic on your side in a bar fight. Trust me on this.
Point is, we are an army, and we are getting bigger and bigger at an exponential rate. We all had to take that leap of faith. We were all scared as hell. We all stumbled along the way:
Oh boy. The Gawky Giraffe stumbles. Really, are we surprised? And who the hell photographed this anyway? (This was about a decade ago, when we all carried around these weird things called cameras, and cell phones simply made and received calls. We also had to hunt for food and make fire with like string and friction and I did all of my writing on cave walls. It was barbaric.)
So, stumble. Okay? JUST STUMBLE. And know that it's absolutely okay. Addict or not, you won't ever do this life perfectly. You may project that on social media, or to your circle of friends, but you are not helping anyone - including yourself - by doing this. The world NEEDS to see your imperfections so that they know that it's okay that they're imperfect, or making mistakes too. The world NEEDS to see those of us in recovery, or fighting like hell to WANT to be in recovery, that we're doing this - we're fighting and we're stumbling and we're taking that leap of faith into recovery, and we're all doing it messily and imperfectly and sort of blundering along. But we're laughing. We're breathing easier. And we have each other. We aren't alone anymore.
I could have found a million images online of an awkward stranger taking a leap, or someone else tripping. I thought about it. Do I really want the whole world seeing me taking a leap of faith while my face really looks like I'm passing a kidney stone the size of a Suburban? And then, even WORSE, the whole world seeing my ARSE? I mean, no, not really. But I gotta be real. And those pictures are so, so painfully real. My sobriety and my recovery is full of bumps and barriers, but it is REAL. I overcome one obstacle, only to find another in my path, this one bigger and meaner. I cry. Like all the time. But I also laugh. Like all the time. In my addiction, I neither laughed or cried, because when you're high (or black out drunk) you can't feel anything REAL. And so I attack each obstacle, and through it all, I am laughing, or crying, or sometimes both at once.
I want REAL. Even if real is messy and complicated and stumbly (made that word up too) and Gawky Giraffey. Even if, even if. Because life is also like this most precious gift. It's beautiful and wondrous and breathtaking. Leaping into recovery is scary. Risky. Taking that leap is terrifying. TERRIFYING. But that's kinda the point. Leaping is terrifying, recovery is terrifying, living is terrifying. But it is also alluring, astonishing, awe-inspiring. (Alliteration: 3 points!) Be brave, be terrified, but take that leap anyway. And we'll all be here to cheer you on and greet you with pure elation (and probably some really bad profanity) on the other side.
To all of the alcoholics, addicts, or flawed human beings out there: shine on you crazy, nerdy weirdos. Y'all are my people.
Earlier this week, I got my 60 day chip at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. My dear friend and fellow grateful recovering alcoholic warrior sista, Jenna, came along to celebrate my new "birthday" with me. As far as "birthdays" go in AA, I'm a total fetus - only 60 days clean vs. say, the 12,045 days this old grandma has been alive!
But, I'll tell you something: I am fiercely proud of these 60 days. Because these 60 days have been JUST RIGHT and JUST AS THEY SHOULD BE. That isn't to say they've been easy, or even pleasant. 60 heartbreaking days separated from my children. 60 days of floundering and fear. Working the 12 Steps. Looking in the mirror and meeting myself for the first time in a very, very long time. 60 days of getting real with myself and with all of my wrongs. Dropping the monstrous pride. Discovering my Higher Power. Learning (and then, finally) enjoying to pray. Smiling more. Actually being nice. At some point saying you're happy you're clean and sober, and finally not be lying through gritted teeth. Getting real in therapy and doing some hardcore ugly crying. Finally embracing the ugly crying, because, let's be honest, it feels so damn good. Building friendships. Rebuilding your relationship with the love of your life.
Connecting with other addicts and alcoholics who have done reprehensible things, but loving them and learning from them because they love and accept you in all of your reprehensible-ness, too. Thanking God for putting these beautiful, hilarious, silly, conquering women in my life who have become my new heroes, and my new best friends. (But, um, confesh: not like I had ANY friends in my addiction...)
60 days free from alcohol: cunning, baffling, powerful.
Alcohol, you're the worst
60 days of discovery: of myself, my Higher Power, my freaking awesome life and my freaking weird quirks and oddities. (Oh boy.)
60 days of sorrow, absolutely.
60 days of forgiving and making amends.
Of fear, and finally, finally, FAITH.
Just 60 days. 2 months. Such a short time. Negligible, really.
BUT.
60 days toward the rest of my life. And THAT ain't negligible.
So you see, 60 days has felt like forever, because I have done so much living - so much more than I have done in a very, very long time. The living has been chaotic, hard as hell, messy and imperfect but MINE - and LIVING this life, not merely inhabiting it, like I did in my addiction. I was a passive spectator, watching with glazed eyes and a hard heart and a jaded soul I refused to even turn on all of the life and vitality and beauty and heart break and wonder pass right before me, day after day after day. Alcohol. Oh, it is cunning, baffling, powerful. Also sucky.
I never believed that the 60 days I've just had could be mine. Yet it is here, and I am in it - the star of this 60 days of mine. And of my forever, if I choose.
I am clean and I am sober. I am messy. I am sort of all over the place. I am still trying to find my place and my role in my new sober forever. I am a little lost. But I'm here. Present. Trying. Honest. Sincere.
60 proud days and a whole lotta more to come, figuring out how to stay dopeless, but still dope as hell. (I'm so punny - for real, I worked on that one for awhile...)
I know there is suffering. You are. I am. This world is wearying. Please know that peace and power and brave bad-assery can be yours. Start today. Stop being a spectator in your life, and become the star. It is yours, waiting, and you will be so great. I know it. C'mon. Day one, right now, toward the rest of this incredibly imperfect and beautiful and maddening forever that is so, so worth it. Let's do this together: living, messing up, getting back up, doing better, supporting, carrying, rejoicing. I'm here. And I will wait for you to stand up and start living, with me. Please, I need you. We need each other. We can't do this alone. And may God bless you, and keep you, until we see each other, whether we are 60 minutes clean or 60 days clean or 60 years clean. It can be mine, and yours, and it can be for forever.
A few weeks ago, we went up to Park City to go mountain biking for Recreation Therapy. It was dreamy - a break from the unrelenting heat of the Utah summer, and pines and quakies and wildflowers everywhere. One of my dearest friends and sidekicks in treatment was Sarah. (FYI, any names that are real on this blog are only used with the person's express permission - and I won't ever divulge any personal information obtained in a therapeutic (or any other) setting; additionally, stories or details given that are true are, again - written here only after permission to do so has been given.
Ahem - back to mountain biking in beautiful Park City:
Sarah and I had been put in the group of youngsters: there were about five women who were technically teenagers, because many of them were still eighteen or nineteen, and then there was me and Sarah - the old ladies in the group. We're both in our mid-dish 30's, and I know everyone will want to tell me that we're not old, and I know, I know - we're not that old. But we really ARE "that old" when compared to a passel of sprightly teenagers who don't have bum knees (Sarah) and arthritis and asthma (me). So we're biking, and in less than 56 seconds, they (the sprightly teenagers) have zoomed about 459 miles ahead of us, but Sarah and I didn't mind. We quite contentedly biked lazily and gratefully at the back of the pack, enjoying the view, the clean mountain air, and reveling in the strength and resilience of our bodies when free from substances.
I could hear Sarah not far behind me. It was a comfortable and companionable silence; this woman and I know almost everything about each other, and only love each other more fiercely because of it: our messy and complicated stories are full of pain and sadness, but we both see the beautiful - if flawed - women underneath all of that.
We are both women now with our eyes turned to God, and with vulnerable hearts and willing hands. You can be the worst of the worst, but if God gladly rejoices in our earnest and sincere return to Him, then the worst of the worst can be the best of the best - because anything is possible with God.
I hear, just over my shoulder, Sarah say, simply and emphatically, "Look Brie, we're riding a bike!" I laugh. "Hell yes," I shout, "WE ARE RIDING A BIKE!" Sarah then returns with "We are riding a bike AND being productive members of society!" I laugh hysterically. "How are we being productive members of society by riding a bike on a mountain with NO SOCIETY even around?" Sarah: "Well, I'm not stealing any money from ANYONE right now, and we're not out in public being like drunk and disorderly, so that counts as being super productive, even if we don't have jobs!" I laugh. My heart is soaring. "Yeah, Sarah, we are riding a bike indeed, being the best members of society ever. They really should all be thanking us."
We keep riding, happy and still totally abandoned by the sprightly teenagers, and now just kindasorta out of breath and alittlealot sweaty. I hear Sarah swear and see her bike swerve out of the corner of my eye. "You okay?" I call over my shoulder, and Sarah, back in control of her bike, yells "YES I'M OKAY! I'M SO OKAY! A BUTTERFLY JUST SMACKED ME IN THE FACE!" "Wha--?" I yell back, "How is a butterfly smacking you in the face "so okay?"" And she yells back, "Because that butterfly smacking me in the face was LIFE interacting with me. Life is happening right now, everywhere! Don't you see? LIFE IS SMACKING US IN THE FACE!" And I'm laughing, and I'm wondrous, because I do see it - life smacking me in the face everywhere I look: those cute duckies in the pond I just passed? Life smacking me. The summer sky, so blue it's so beautiful it almost hurts? Life and it's beauty smacking me in the face.
Bringing Mila a surprise lunch with extra treats - smack!
I have learned something about myself (and other grateful recovering alcoholics and addicts): we marvel at the smallest things, because in our addictions, we felt nothing, loved nothing, appreciated nothing. Life wasn't smacking us in the face, because we didn't want or allow it to - we instead compulsively allowed darkness and despair to smack us, over and over and over. Just having a clean body, that we can feel getting stronger and stronger brings us gratitude and is a giant life smacker. Going to a movie or getting through a weekend clean and actually enjoying it is marveled at. So, you have to understand - mountain biking in Park City with a best friend? Sober? With a strong (if kinda old) body? Like, this is the best smacking that life has ever offered us. Those of us that really want recovery will be grateful and excited for it all, and you'll be able to discern between those of us that Want It, and those of us that Don't Want It. Because there is a difference between being clean and being sober. And gratitude is most of that whole difference - those of us that throw our pride aside and adopt a habit of gratitude will have a higher likelihood of lasting recovery and sobriety, because we will find joy and we will recognize all the little and big smackings that life gives us, from simple bike rides where butterflies smack our face and we erupt with wonder and giddiness and joy, to celebrating our sobriety milestones and beyond. An addict who is clean, but perhaps only grudgingly clean, will not see or appreciate life smackage. And it is very sad, and I pray for these amazing and deserving addicts to ask for and experience and be grateful for all the smackings that life has to offer.
Field seats at an RSL game on a dreamy summer evening - smack!
When we are grateful, we will see life smacking us in the face almost every moment of every day, and this goes for the addicted as well as the normies. You can never have had an addiction and still be the most miserable, lonely, and prideful person out there. If you want life smacking moments and all of the Good Stuff God has to offer, you can have them - and you can have them now. Choose to smile, even when you're having kind of the worst day ever. Be nice to the struggling teenager who messes up your lunch order. Leave a kind and sincere comment on someone's Facebook or Instagram account that normally irritates the hell out of you. Be the person responsible for someone else having a life smacking moment, and then you'll see your own life smacking moments appear everywhere.
Bringing a NON-ALCOHOLIC drink to share with friends - smack!
I'm not kidding. Gratitude is changing my life. Sobriety is changing my life. I spent my darkest days in so much pain, that I didn't think that I could bear to keep breathing if I was not intoxicated in some way. Life couldn't smack me in the face because I stopped believing that life smackage could ever become a reality in my life again. But they are! Life doesn't give up on us, we do. Life is smacking you in the face every other damn minute, but it is up to YOU to recognize these moments, and to revel in it and have gratitude for it.
Most of us, if mountain biking in Park City, would curse a butterfly flitting in our face, especially if it caused us to nearly crash (bless your heart, Sarah!). But not Sarah - Sarah turned that into a life smacking moment, because Sarah really should be dead, or in prison, from her drug use. She understands that her having the opportunity to get clean, and mountain bike in Park City, and almost crash from that butterfly face smackage SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN A REALITY, LIKE EVER. So, Sarah has gratitude, and because of that, Life smacks Sarah in the face hugely and abundantly. Life doesn't care that she is an addict, and many other labels she's been given by society because of said drug use. Life is just happy she is grateful, and happy she is aware of all the little smacking miracles, and thus, Life is super happy to keep all that smacking up.
When you and your sissy happen to choose identical nail polish out of over 350 choices when we got our nails done - smack!
Sarah taught me something important that day. She taught me that I want life to interact with me and to smack me in the face. Like Sarah, I shouldn't be clean and sober and grateful today. I should be dead, or in prison. I shouldn't have been welcomed with open arms into the residential treatment center that changed (and saved) my life. I shouldn't have been forgiven for all the chaos I caused and the havoc I wreaked and the pain I doled out. If anything should be smacking me, it should be perhaps losing relationships that matter to me, or maybe even my freedom - that's the smacking I deserve. Instead, Life is smacking me in the face, and it is so good, and so cool.
That adoring look you get from your pretty perfect daughter - smack!
I am having lunch with my sisters, and rebuilding my relationships with them. I am having way too much fun (and Mila not quite enough) doing her hair every morning before school in fun and creative ways that look much better on Pinterest than they do on my dear daughter's sweet head; bless her heart. I shop and eat with my best friends I was in treatment with, and we're all still here and we're all still sober - holy smack! SMACK SMACK SMACK!!! I snuggle my pack (yeah, that means a lot) of pets. I make dinner for my family. I help Cade with his math homework (and discreetly Google how to do long division; math is hard).
Time spent with the "Quad Squad" - my besties - I have enough friends now to constitute a "quad" - smack!
All of these moments may seem small, or unimportant. But they aren't. They mean everything to an alcoholic and an addict who played Russian Roulette with her life and her alcohol and drug use for way too long. To a woman who asked God maybe a hundred times a day, maybe a thousand: Why am I here? They are everything to a hopeless and shameful Mormon mother who spent every night, while her family slept, talking herself out of ending it all. They are everything because I should have nothing. They are everything because I should be nothing, and am instead becoming a loving and silly and courageous mother, wife, and human being. Conquerer. Woman Warrior. Queen. Flawed and kind of maddening, sure, but still something - definitely not nothing.
Lunch with a few of my sisters - chips and salsa and sarcasm - smack!
Love your life smacking moments, and don't forget to smack the hell out of life right back. Ride that bike. Ask for help. Go to treatment. Love on your kids a little harder. Smile more. Be brave. Take that risk. Be open, and vulnerable, and real. Surrender to your Higher Power. Be willing to love yourself.
I love myself now - and am not afraid to show you my eyes, because I'm no longer afraid of what you will see in them - smack!
And then, turn your face to the sky, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and feel your beautiful life smacking you right in your beautiful face.
I have been both surprised and delighted with the support and outpouring of love I've received with Sober and So Brie. You are all such beautiful, bright friends. Thank you.
Today I want to talk a bit about the stereotypes we hold of someone who has an addiction, and about challenging them, and about perhaps opening our hearts to the addict or alcoholic who still suffers.
So, like, until I went to treatment, I didn't even think I was an alcoholic, because I for real didn't even meet my own stereotype of what an alcoholic or a drug addict was. I wasn't homeless, I'd never been in prison or even arrested. I didn't prostitute myself for drugs, nor did I ever deal them. I wasn't stealing from my family. I fudging had my shiz together, get me? I mean, but there WAS the fact that I rarely left my home - or even my bedroom while in my addiction - and being a mama, wife, sister, daughter, writer, and equestrian - all the things I identified with that brought my happiness and pride - were completely bulldozed and buried while I ran full-tilt to an early death found at the end of an empty bottle - but never you mind I had just popped twelve perc 10's and a handful of klonopin washed down my throat with some whisky. I wasn't homeless! I wore cardigans and designer jeans and pleated capris - DRUG ADDICTS DON'T WEAR DESIGNER JEANS! I will drink this fudging vodka in my fudging pleated capris and I will not feel fudging ashamed, because I don't have a fudging problem! My wardrobe somehow protects me from the label of drug addict or alcoholic!? -----Yeah okay Brie, you keep doing those mental gymnastics to make you feel less alcoholic-y.
*Eye roll.*
So, yeah, spoiler alert - I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I wear LuLuLemon and carry my blind shih tzu around in a cute tote bag, mostly just because I can. And I am just as much a bottom of the barrel, almost lost my life and everything I hold dear to an addiction as any other addict who has ever prostituted themselves or used needles or whatever. I was engaging in extremely risky and dangerous behavior as well; I simply tried to hide it in different ways.
Chances are, and I'll literally bet you a million dollars on this - unless you're a hermit who only talks to their great aunt every month, begging for some social security money - that you absolutely, no doubt about it, have a neighbor, coworker, friend, sibling, child, soulmate...who is an addict. We live among you, in the dark, entrenched in the longest, deepest night we have ever endured. We are afraid of your light - it seems too bright, too perfect - we don't want to dirty you. We fear your resentments and judgments you'll have if you hear how much we are struggling - we fear your eye rolls, or your dismissive retorts. We know that our addictions are glaring in the light of day, but please, share some of your light with us. We need you. We need to know that there is a warm, hopeful morning ahead of this dark, dreary, horrific night we are enduring. We know we are the worst. We are screw ups. We are maddening. We just can't get it right.
But we're also human beings. We are also God's children. And because we are His, we, His prodigal sons and daughters, will be welcome in His arms time and time again. God will always throw us a party upon our prodigal return - because His joy at our return is full and perfect. We may leave again, and He will mourn, but if we come back - another party!
In real life, we don't expect a party - hell, we don't deserve one. We know we have hurt you, and your hurts are valid, and we need to hear them, and we need to work hard and work long to repair the damage we've caused in our relationships with you. But please, let us know that there is still hope for us. Send us a note, telling us you're thinking of us. Ask us to go to treatment. Love us even when it hurts. Because we need you. We need your light to pierce the dark corners of our addiction.
When I started this blog, and "came out" about my drug and alcohol addiction, by far, the most emails or texts or comments I've received were "I didn't know! You hid it so well!" We hide it because we are ashamed. We also hide ourselves, too. None of you knew because I didn't want you to know. At least, I thought I didn't want you to know. It got to the point where all I really knew was that I couldn't do this anymore. I was either going to accidentally take a toxic combination of pills and alcohol and be gone, or dammit, I was going to get clean and get help, because my life was so dark, and I needed a warm sunrise. I needed strong arms around me, and I needed to know I wasn't so far gone that God was done with me.
I learned that God was never done with me - and that in my sobriety, He is doing for me what I can't do for myself - sobriety is the best party gift ever that this prodigal daughter has ever received. We addicts and alcoholics CAN get and stay clean, even if we've gone to rehab or tried to get clean 3,847 times - well okay then, support and love us through our 3,848th time. Because THAT could be the time we do it - and then, it will have all been worth it! Because we'll be out in the light, with you, and we can then share our light to those still lost in the darkness. Some of us might be doing this wearing our pleated capris and cardigans while toting around our adorable blind doggos, (ahem...) and some of us may be spreading their light while wearing, like, sweat pants. Or...no pants. If, it like, works for you? We are CEO's of fortune 500's, and we are spending life sentences in prison. We wake up every morning and we go to sleep every night. We are among you, everywhere. We are all the prodigals, returning home. And everywhere, all over the world, we are celebrating. Join us! It's gonna be a killer party.
I look up, dubiously eye the 30 foot vertical climb ahead of me. I'm at the ropes course with the women's residential treatment program I've checked myself into, and every Tuesday, at this ropes course, we are asked to do almost the impossible.
My roommate and I are tied closely together at the waist, and have been asked by our therapist to summit this 30 foot rock wall together, while tied. And, you know, with only enough hand and foot-holds for one person, not two. I push my helmet back and look up again. It's at least 100 degrees out, and it's not even hit noon.
"Oh boy," I mutter to myself. I look at Linda. "You ready?" She grins, says "Yup," and her enthusiasm helps me feel a little better. If there is anyone I would feel brave enough to do this seemingly impossible task with, it would be Linda - my roommate, and my soul-sister in many ways. All the rest of the girls affectionately refer to us as the "Young Grandmas," because we both go to bed at a rollicking 10 pm. (It's always a party in room 9!) I'm so happy she came to treatment, because I know already that I can't ever live without this incredibly brave and beautiful woman.
As we are just about to climb, Shay, one of the recreation therapists, hands me a tall, cold, glass of water. "This is your recovery family," she says. I eye the water crankily. "Recovery family? Huh?"
"This glass of water," she begins again, "represent all of your sisters here in treatment. You need to get them all to the top safely with both of you guys." I moan. Like LITERALLY moan. She cuts me off before I can begin my whining: "Brie, she says quietly, more seriously than I anticipate, they matter too. This carrying is important."
And so Linda and I begin our climb.
The climb would be easy under many circumstances. But, like I said, tied together, and with only enough hand and foot-holds for one person, it was incredibly difficult. As we climbed, one of us was often climbing only one-handed, because of that glass of water and our "recovery family" we were working like crazy to keep ahold of. There was even a time when I was keeping the glass of water clenched in my teeth while I climbed. I'd look up to see how far we still needed to go, and tilting my head back, the cup of water firmly clenched in my teeth, I'd douse myself with water - Great, now my "recovery family" is water-boarding me... this climb was seeming like it would indeed be impossible, and not worth all this effort.
Linda and I struggled on that wall for quite awhile - in searing heat. We'd each take turns carrying up that glass of water; we'd rest when one was too tired to keep going. We'd urge each other on, too. Our sisters below us, on the ground, constantly clapped and cheered and kept their ever watchful gaze on us. We wanted to quit - but there was never any question that we would. We were learning that we can do hard things.
At some point, with perhaps only a few feet to go, our therapist - waiting for us at the top - pulled us up quickly, where we both literally collapsed in the cool shade on top of that tower. We were bruised, scratched, and sunburned. Our whole bodies were literally shaking from the exertion of what we had just done.
But it felt good. We'd just accomplished something really hard, and that was worthwhile. Linda hugged me, and we were both wet through with our sweat. And we didn't care. We'd done it. We'd reached a summit that seemed impossible from the bottom. And we'd done it together.
Fast forward six weeks:
I am graduating from rehab; what we call "coining out" -- meaning, we get a coin (think a chip in the AA world) and the coin is passed around the circle, and everyone says goodbye to me, and leaves something for me in the coin - courage, love, honesty, etc. And then I get a chance afterward to say goodbye to everyone who is still in rehab, and to impart any advice or wisdom I learned while I was sitting where they currently are now.
I tell all of these women - these crazy and tattooed and messy and incredibly intelligent and witty and wise-cracking and brilliant women that I now know why Linda and I had been asked to carry up that glass of water up that tower - I look at them, and I suddenly start crying. And I say, "Please, I don't want to lose any of you. You're my recovery family - MY FAMILY - and we can all do this, okay? Please. Please make it! I'm always here for you. Call me. I will find you and I will do all I can to haul you to where you need to be. We can do this. I love you all."
They all nod back, tears in their eyes. We have oft heard the terrifying statistics: that less than half of us will make it - will live, or achieve sobriety. I hated hearing those statistics because I couldn't bear the thought of losing even one of them to this vile disease of addiction.
Statistics can be changed, you guys, I say fiercely. Let's change them together. Let's ALL make it. We can all make it to the top - it's hard to get there, and it's tiring, and it seems impossible, but it's not. Let's summit together. Let's take turns helping and holding each other up. We can do this. I hug them all goodbye, individually, and tightly, and fiercely. Being in rehab has taught me how to give - and get - a proper hug. None of this limp arms business - if you're going to give a hug, mean it - hold tightly. For so long, for so many of us, we didn't feel lovable. But our mere friendships with each other have shown us that we're ALL worthy of love, and for no other reason that we're all here together. Our age gaps span decades, our DOC's vary from pot to alcohol to crack and heroin. Some of us are rich, some of us are homeless. We don't see any of that. We see each other - vulnerable, tenable women. And thus, worthy of love.
When I hug my friend Katrina, I say, "You deserve to be here, you understand me? YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE. You deserve happiness. You deserve recovery." Katrina nods her head in my hair, wetting my shoulder with her tears. I hug her for a long time, and I hug her hard. I have grown to love this brave and battle-worn sister of mine.
Five days later, she is dead. My hilarious, wise-cracking, vulnerable, wholly deserving sister is gone.
Katrina ran away from treatment, and accidentally over-dosed on heroin. When I hear this news, I am glad I am sitting, because I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach. But I had just had her in my arms! I had just looked in her clear, solemn, sober eyes, and I had seen hope.
My heart is heavy, my mind starts running on fear, and fear alone. What about me? What about my recovery family? All of my sisters I've met and known? What is going to happen to all of us? I hate this disease. I hate this disease. I hate this disease.
And I cry. I cry a lot. And then I get up, and I answer my phone. It is Kathy, a 65 year old woman who saved my life in rehab more times than I can count, and who is my best friend, mama, and partner in crime. She wants to go to a movie with Karen, who also just got out, and who is 66. She asks if Linda and I want to go. For a minute, I almost say no. I'm thinking of Katrina, no longer with us. I'm thinking of my fears. But then I answer loudly and enthusiastically, YES! "Okay dear," Kathy says on the other end of the phone. "Glad you're excited!" And she doesn't know. She doesn't know how excited I am to be with my sisters, hearts beating, minds clear, ever hopeful, ever fighting.
And that's what we did. A 66, 65, 33, and 30 year old bunch of bad-ass warrior sisters went and saw a movie this weekend. I wonder, now, what people must have thought when they saw such a random assortment of women at the movies - different ages and walks of life, different DOC's certainly. Linda and I help Karen up the many stairs in the theater and help her get her food and tray arranged. I can tell Kathy is getting jittery for a cig about halfway through the movie. I keep looking at Linda in the movie and smiling. Smiling because, we made it. We all summited that climb, and we have some of our recovery family with us, at this very moment.
Hey guys, I whisper during the movie, Look! We're watching a movie together!
Linda giggles.
A few minutes later: Hey guys, look! We're sober right now!
Kathy sighs.
A few minutes more: Hey guys, look! We're watching a movie AND completely sober right now!
We all giggle.
Because we know. We get it. We know that something so simple as watching a movie is a gift. It's a gift because we're alive - and we're sober. That is something that we have not been able to be in a very, very long time.
After the movie ends, Linda and I help Karen down the stairs and outside. I hug each of these women fiercely - this strange demographic of young(er) to old(er) women that people keep scratching their heads at. It matters not to me. Our hearts are the same. We are the same.
Linda drops Kathy and Karen back off at sober living, (both have lost their licenses) and then drives to my house. We had excitedly been planning a super crazy slumber party consisting of nobody but the two of us, some Diet Coke, popcorn, and a movie. We start talking, and I relax. We fall asleep on the sofa, never having popped any popcorn, or started the movie - it's 10 o'clock after all, and us "Young Grandmas" need our sleep.
I smile as I drift off. We're free. For that beautiful day, we are free. So is Kathy, and Karen. We're fighting to stay clean, to change our lives. To go to the movies and revel in the simple joys of friendship. And we did it. We are free.
And then my heart hurts - because I remember that Katrina will never be able to go to the movies again, or to talk to or give any of us a hug. But then I know - it hits me -- Katrina is free, too. It might not be the kind of free I want, because I want her here, with me. But I know that God has her wrapped in his arms, and that she isn't cold, or hungry, or in pain, or afraid, or desperate, or hopeless. And then I see her eyes - HER eyes, not her addiction's eyes - those eyes I saw on the day I coined out: her clear, solemn, sober eyes; eyes full of hope. I release the tears of relief and of thanks to my Father in Heaven. She is free. And I know that God will bless her, and keep her, until I see her again.
I drop off to sleep, dreaming of freedom: of that tall tower Linda and I climbed. Of the feeling of victory once it was summited. Of making dinner with Katrina, and laughing with her. Hugging Kathy in her fiercely strong arms. Cracking up with Linda. Freedom, Freedom.
Katrina may be with her Heavenly Father now, but she is still apart of my Recovery Family. I will still carry her with me, everywhere I go, in my heart. And when I reach my sobriety milestones, I'll whisper to her that we did it. WE. The carrying isn't done, you see. It's never done. I'll never stop fighting for and carrying my sisters up this tower to recovery and sobriety - and I am relieved because I know, that if I ever falter, there will always be someone who says "Hell naw, Brie!" and begins fighting like hell to get me to the top. We are a complicated and messy and ridiculously awesome bunch.
And we will never stop seeking freedom.
We just won't. We won't.
Carrying you always, Katrina. Rest easy, my beautiful friend. She Used to Be Mine by Sara Bareilles:
Hey, I’m Brie, and I’m an alcoholic.A drug addict.An anorexic. A Shopoholic. A Masochist.A piece of work. Labelled a "Lifer" of the vicious and pernicious disease of addiction.
You may know or remember me from a blog I used to author and that was quite popular, Blogxygen, which chronicled my recovery from anorexia.My therapist, while in rehab, asked me to share the nitty gritty of my addiction to alcohol, benzos, and opiates - and in doing so, to share with the world to let all of you know - whether you’re addicted to crack or heroine - or maybe just addicted to hating yourself - that there is hope.And that there is a different way.
I had to think about this whole new blog thing, for awhile.I mean, you all learned way too much about me whilst I chronicled my battle of feeding tubes, weight gain and loss, and intensive out patient for the eating disorder.To essentially, with this blog, say, Yo!Look guys!I recovered from my ED, and decided to pick up this nifty drug and alcohol addiction to replace it that nearly killed me and almost took away everything in my life that I hold dear, so come on over to ye olde blog to watch this new train wreck!
All aboard!
Ugh. *Eye roll.*
My therapist is pretty wise, though-- when I decide to not act like a petulant little whiner, and try to convince myself that my easier, softer way, will work -- and believes that maybe sharing my story will help me, sure - but mostly, you.And that is where all of my reservations slip away, my fear is quashed, and my guard lets down: I have lived in horror and humiliation and shame and darkness and isolation in my addiction, and it is the worst hell I have ever lived.My story, I hope, will bring light to the dark corners of your addiction, will be an invitation to come in from the cold.Because there is always a warm place to rest your weary head.
My story isn’t pretty, nor is it stereotypical - be aware of that.I went into residential treatment for 45 days, where I got to know dozens of women that our society has written off: drug dealers, thieves, felons, frauds, prostitutes, hopeless cases.Women, mothers, beautiful warriors.Brave, resilient.My best friends.My story is unique to that of all the women I was with, yet it is all the same - it is a story of pain, and loneliness, and shame, and desperation. Of overcoming. Of forgiving. Of rebuilding. Of discovering. Of freaking conquering.
Keep reading.There is something strange - yet so magical - when someone with a shameful secret decides to not make it a secret anymore - and thus, the shame slips away.My story is so many things, and makes me feel many things, but shame will no longer be one of them.
So, yeah, I’m Brie, and I’m an alcoholic and all of those other addictions; blah blah blah.But I’m also resilient.And funny.Pretty much fudging awesome.(That’s another thing…I’m trying not to swear so much, so you will likely read the words fudge or fark a lot - just go with it.)And, despite my whole track record of collecting addictions and/or self-destructive behaviors like that creepy 30-something-single-white-male who collects My Little Pony, my words still matter, and have merit.
Sober and So Brie is a place to know you’re not alone - no matter the pain or secrets you hold.Sober and So Brie will be a place you can laugh in, and feel safe, no matter how fleeting.Sober and So Brie will offer solutions rather than reasons to use, or permission to feel sorry for yourself and to stay high as a kite.We are alcoholics and addicts, and we have done much wrong, but we are not cast-offs.We are smart and worthwhile and we have so much to give the world.This is the story of just one woman, trying to do just that.
