I’m Not Okay, and You’re Not Okay, and That’s Okay

Since when is it not okay to be not okay?

We live in a culture of “transparency” - we plaster our lives on social media; perfect snippets of a life that isn’t perfect at all.  In all of this “transparency” we are also perpetuating a lie - that life can be perfect - because look at mine!  It’s of course natural to want to put our best face forward - but when that is all that the world sees, we all have a very big problem.  We are only transparent with perceived perfection or prestige, and so really, all of this transparency is muddy and unclear and really not transparent at all, and we are almost always not really seeing the truth of things - whether that truth be beautiful or ugly.

All of this is a huge reason I eventually decided to author Sober and So Brie after my therapist asked me to - I certainly don’t revel or even find it easy to be open and vulnerable, and if you knew me in real life you’d probably be shocked I was the author of SASB, because I am quite closed-off in real life - I am friendly, but I am not open — however, for whatever reason, I am quite good at not being okay, and I’m REALLY good at being impulsive and coming up with scary solutions, so why not document it all here?  Because I WANT TRUTH WHETHER IT BE BEAUTIFUL OR UGLY, for myself, and from others. To show the world, to show you, to remind myself on hard days - that there is hope and that there is no shame in addiction.  You’ll almost always find Totally-Fake-But-Still-Totally-Annoying Perfection on social platforms online, and then you amble on over here, and you find...this...me...a total train-wreck.  And if anything, maybe you’ll leave this website not understanding me, and you could hardcore be judging me, but at least knowing that there is someone else out in the world who is honest about how hard the world is, and who doesn’t always ge
t it right the first or the forty-first time, but still trying.  And maybe it is only a consolation prize - and a cheesy one at that - but to still be trying, after all this time, is a good and a right thing.

Because, I’m not okay all of the time - and I need that not okay-ness to be totally okay.  I need to feel secure in the knowledge that I might feel like I got hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, but that I don’t need to drive to the liquor store straightaway.  I need to believe that I can handle the emotions and the despair of it all (LIVING) stone-cold sober, even if I don’t want to. I need to know that even if I don’t feel okay, I AM okay.

Social media drives me batty.  I follow more meme accounts on instagram than actual humans, because I’m much more interested in laughing than I am in getting perfect-only peeks into other’s lives.  Life is so messy and so chaotic - I am so messy and so chaotic - and perfection doesn’t interest me.  I spent too long striving for it, and that longing and that need almost killed me.

For the 90 days I’ve been clean, I’ve been wildily excited and thrilled and also wildly despairing - I have had moments of clarity and beauty and also more than a few moments I white-knuckled through to keep from grabbing my keys and breaking speeding laws to get to the liquor store.  And in all of that - even all of the ugly and the difficult and the embarrassing and shameful, I am certain of maybe one thing, and one thing alone: that I am sober.  And that I am so fudging glad I am. I am not certain at all that my problems are lighter or simpler, and I am certainly not guaranteed my sobriety past the current moment, but I am so sober, and even in my pain, I am so glad that I am.  Because while there was certainly a time when I could have (and probably should have) died in my addiction, I know that today I will not.

So I’ll continue to be transparently imperfect.  To acknowledge and even be frank at how much I've messed up: I have hurt many people, most of whom I love dearly.  I have lost relationships because of this.  I have lost my horse.  My dignity, my integrity.  My health.  Some of this can be reclaimed, and some of it can’t, but I’ll always be transparent as I document the journey on SASB.  I’m a hot mess, I’m a spaz, I wash my hair like once a week and do it about once a month, but I’m trying, and I’m still sober.  I think, at least, that I have the important things covered.  I’m not okay a lot of the time, and it hurts so, so much.

But it’s okay.
I’m okay.
We’re all okay.

I’m going to be writing a few blog posts to introduce myself, as I realized many readers may not know me past a few surface things, here or there.  If you have any questions or things in particular you’d like to know, leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and I’ll do my best to work it into my post.